don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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