So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
