Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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