i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
