I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
