At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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