I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
