Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I AM VODKA MAN
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Randomize
