I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
