Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
