i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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