You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
