Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Who did Billy Mays play for?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
