cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
