If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Randomize
