It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
