The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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