i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
It's Friday. Sex?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
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