Me too!
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
