Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
