Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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