Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
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We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
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I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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