Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
