so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
