i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
