yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
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