last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
We were destined to go to rehab together
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
