I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
