if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
