Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
