found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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