I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
