When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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