so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
