i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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