Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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