Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
