I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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