I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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