PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Randomize
