i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
