my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
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Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
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Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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