the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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