apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
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i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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