just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
