My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
