god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
