At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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