Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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