I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize