we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize