is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
