you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
