we're chasing vodka with high fives
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
