She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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