he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
