garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
