Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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